Powerlessness

This morning was a one of pure powerlessness. The boys had the day off of school after Halloween, so I knew this morning was not going to go smoothly.  But let’s be honest every morning is a bit of a struggle with two kids that don’t want to go to school.

I write this for the other parents out there that have kiddos that struggle with school mornings. Today was just one of heaviness and exhaustion.  Having two kids with ADHD & Anxiety can be extremely taxing. Even with medication, the “right” school, activities and so on it is still a challenge.

Our oldest is 12 and in the middle of these “fucking hormones” that put me on a roller coaster of emotions with him and I am the passenger. All I want to do is get off and have peace.  Then with our 10 year old we are going on year 3 of trying to find the right medication for him, knowing that when we do that it is only a tool and that we will still have our struggles.

I think that is the hardest part for this OCD brain of mine, that still falls back into black and white thinking. Right school, right medication, right services equals smooth sailing. Even after all these years I fall back into this false way of thinking and become extremely upset.

I also finding myself still at times attaching my value to the type of day they have at school.  Which is insanity making and yet it is my fall back.  This perpetuating story that they are not going to be okay…fill in the blanks.

For me this has been my “norm” for quite some time and will not ever look like others out there.  But I feel implored to write about this for the one parent who may read this and say “Thank god I am not alone.” I will continue to be transparent and write my truth because parenthood in general is challenging and very isolating.  And it is when I speak my truth that I feel the relief and connection to others.