Powerlessness

This morning was a one of pure powerlessness. The boys had the day off of school after Halloween, so I knew this morning was not going to go smoothly.  But let’s be honest every morning is a bit of a struggle with two kids that don’t want to go to school.

I write this for the other parents out there that have kiddos that struggle with school mornings. Today was just one of heaviness and exhaustion.  Having two kids with ADHD & Anxiety can be extremely taxing. Even with medication, the “right” school, activities and so on it is still a challenge.

Our oldest is 12 and in the middle of these “fucking hormones” that put me on a roller coaster of emotions with him and I am the passenger. All I want to do is get off and have peace.  Then with our 10 year old we are going on year 3 of trying to find the right medication for him, knowing that when we do that it is only a tool and that we will still have our struggles.

I think that is the hardest part for this OCD brain of mine, that still falls back into black and white thinking. Right school, right medication, right services equals smooth sailing. Even after all these years I fall back into this false way of thinking and become extremely upset.

I also finding myself still at times attaching my value to the type of day they have at school.  Which is insanity making and yet it is my fall back.  This perpetuating story that they are not going to be okay…fill in the blanks.

For me this has been my “norm” for quite some time and will not ever look like others out there.  But I feel implored to write about this for the one parent who may read this and say “Thank god I am not alone.” I will continue to be transparent and write my truth because parenthood in general is challenging and very isolating.  And it is when I speak my truth that I feel the relief and connection to others.

Today

Today

As I crawl into bed tonight I am exhausted, physically and emotionally. My eyes hurt from staying at my phone and aimlessly scrolling to not feel discomfort.

Each day I attempt to surrender to what the day has in store but inevitably I find myself fighting with some aspect of it. I drop the boys off at school, go about my day and then prepare for pick up.

Pick up that crap shoot time where I get the low down on how they day went for them. I have gotten so much better at not attaching my worth as a mom to their day, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or that I won’t feel disappointed.

The emotions of this preteen phase can be so brutal and overwhelming and yet I know I am not alone.

Each human out there is navigating their own struggles, some just hide it better than others. Me, well I choose to share about it because that is who I am and why I share my story.

I am grateful to be going to bed and we are all safe and healthy I never take that for granted. However, I still do honor that life is hard right now and has been for a quite a while with these boys. Some days are better than others. Today was a day of surrender and though it took me a while to get there I did.

Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. I will continue to show up to the best of my ability and remember I am not in charge.

Grief, living and choices

Today I woke up with a feeling of hope, which I have not had in a few weeks.  I know there are times in my life where I feel “lost” and waiting for the next thing to come.

Being a stay at home mom and going through the daily challenges of parenting, I often find myself wondering what “I SHOULD BE DOING.”  I made an announcement a week or so ago that I was closing my business WELL things have changed.

I have had some great conversations, many with myself :-) but also with some really supportive people who reminded me THE WHOLE PURPOSE of my business is to share MY STORY.

Every human has a story and path and I was reminded that mine is one I want to SHARE.  

I had the hand of grief dealt to me at a young age 15, when we very quickly lost my mother to cancer.  Before that I distinctly remember my grandmother passing away when I was in the 4th grade; that was the first time death had become part of my reality.

We all lose people in our lives and grieve differently.  I am also very aware that I am constantly going through the grieving process of the parenting the children I thought I was going to have and the ones I do.  Parenting special needs children has become my full time job and I am grateful and exhausted to be able to this.  

In doing this I realized that MY STORY is far from over and is not just focused on our boys.

I am going through the process of simplifying my website and being particularly selective in what I events I choose to do.

Every blend has a story, for example PEGGY SUE is the grief blend I created in honor of my mother.  Processing grief is a life long journey and one that is not honored or talked about enough.  We have all lost something or someone and how you choose to deal with that is your choice.

Therefore in the honor of grief, I will be creating a grief workshop in the next few months where we can come together as a community with our own stories (don’t worry you don’t have to share) and create blends to help with the grief process.

STAY TUNED